Challenging Conversations

 Challenging conversations are something that occur often in a leadership role. Over the last few days I've had a few of them. We all hate difficult conversations. And yet they are something that we have to have often - whether it is in our job, with our kids, with our partner and so on.  I have yet to identify anyone that puts their hand up and says "yes, I'm happy to have that difficult conversation!" Instead the amount of times that people readily put their hand up and say "I hate having difficult conversations and am not good at them so can someone else do it?" is endless. No-one likes difficult conversations - there is something so confronting about having to have them. We tend to spend most of the time predicting what might happen if we have it, we tell our own story in our head over and over, we try to guess what the outcome will be, we have the conversation in our head...and so on and so on (sound familiar?) It's our fear of the consequences that may occur if we raise the issue or if we leave it. We then spend our time going around and around if we should raise it -and more often than not we leave it - only for it to resurface again. So what holds us back? Why is it so difficult? Because we know the truth - the deep down truth - of how we will feel. Will we feel taken advantage of? Will we be rejected? Will we lose value? Will we take the opportunity away from the other person to improve? 

So then we try to be tactful - but does this actually address the issue? Or are we so tactful that we lose the message and then wonder why nothing has changed?  Having a difficult conversation is like holding on to a fireball - it is going to burn no matter what. There is going to be some sort of fallout. There will be damage left in its wake. But should that stop us? And is there a way that we can go about it so that we feel more confident to have those difficult conversations. If we can change the way we go about these conversations we will of course be more willing and able to have those conversations. 

One of the key things I have learnt throughout my coaching journey and working closely with people is that we need to understand what is not being said. We need to listen carefully when people are telling their stories. We need to try to understand it from the other side and to read what the people are not saying. This is what makes having a difficult conversation so tough - what is it that is being unsaid - we are good at skirting around, placing blame, telling stories - but are not good at actually what is the real issue. There is often the saying when there has been a difficult email, a verbal disagreement etc of "what is actually the real issue going on here? " 

Most conversations have three parts to it, according to the best selling book " Difficult Conversations" by Stone, Patton and Heen. 

1) The What Happened conversation

2) The Feelings conversation

3) The Identity conversation

To sum these up: 

The What happened Conversation: - when we struggle with the different stories and who's right, who meant what, and who's to blame (teenagers are really good at this conversation, and like to argue black and blue about who's right) 

The Feelings Conversation:  Conversations are just not about what happened - but have emotion within them. In the existence of powerful emotions we often think we should stay out of the emotion and stick to the rational side. Difficult conversations are emotion - that's why they are difficult. If we don't address these emotions within the conversation then they continue to raise along the way - it's a skill that we have to learn.

The Identity Conversation: These may be the most difficult to have . This conversation looks inward - it's all about who we are and how we see ourselves. As Stone, Patton and Heen state (pg 14) - " How does what happened affect my self esteem, my self image, my sense of who I am in the world? What self doubts do I habour. In short it's all about what I am saying to myself about me. You basically fear the conversation because of how it might make you feel about yourself. 

So how do we make changes? What are some of the things we can do? There have been heaps of books written about this - and websites you can go to find out. 

My tips are the following: 

Inquire and be curious - take a curious stance. Try to explore each others stories. Ask yourself the question What do I believe? How could I be wrong?  I wonder what information they have that I don't? Get curious about yourself and your beliefs. Pretend you know nothing and let the person you are having the conversation with talk - and listen. Don't interrupt (this is really hard to do - we so want to argue the point) Repeat what you've heard from them. And embrace both stories . Use the AND stance ...and..and..and. 

Acknowledgement: Show you heard and understood what they are trying to say. Explain back what you think is going on , paraphrasing back to them (this works really well with kids). Acknowledge your part in it and your own defensiveness if necessary. But keep the acknowledgement seperate from agreeing. I use the words "I hear what you saying and I understand.." People often just want to be heard. I also use the words "Can you elaborate on that..." "I can see how..." There are lots of key words we can use here. 

Advocacy: Once the person has had their say (remember you need to wait, (breath), be open , listen before you can talk clarify your position without minimizing theirs. For example: "From what you have said I can see that you came to the conclusion that I have not been transparent with what was expected. And I think that I have been quite clear and transparent. Maybe we can discuss how this could be handled differently in the future so that it is really clear for you?" 

Problem Solving:  Working with the person to brainstorm and continue to be curious . Discuss some solutions. If it becomes heated go back to inquiry. Keep looking at all points of view. Adjust your attitude, engage with the conversation so that sustainable solutions can be found. 

Other tips: 
Be prepared. Practice, practice and practice mentally the conversation. This will be successful if you bring a curious mindset to the meeting. Try to always come back to the centre of the conversation and don't make any assumptions. Direct emotion to the purpose of the meeting. 

Think about some ways you can start the conversation: Here are some ideas that may work:

- I'd like to discuss about...with you, but first I'd like to get you point of view

- I need help understanding what just happened - can you help clarify this for me?

- I think we have different views on this - can you help me unpack your version? 

-  I'd like us to reach a better understanding around.... - help me understand your feelings around this? 

Remember that difficult conversations don't occur just in our workplace. What difficult conversation have you been putting off? Especially with your teenager? Asking teenagers to unpack their version and getting them to help you understand is especially useful. I remember with my oldest daughter her always bringing things up, Mum trying to solve it, everyone ending up in tears until I stopped and started asking these questions. Suddenly things made sense - she just wanted to share and didn't want me to do anything , we both agreed that Mum would just say "ok thanks for that" and we would leave it. If she or I needed to unpack it more we would. Life became a lot easier! And we understood each other more. 

So... where to next for you? What difficult conversation are you going to have? With whom? Make it a mission to practice that one conversation. And soon you will realise that it wasn't so bad after all. 

Until next week.